Ch 61: Truth and guilt

Jasmine sat down on the bed and watched with growing impatience as Janet methodically slipped out of her clothes, pulling her voluminous night gown over her head.

“So? What do you want to tell me?” she asked at last when Janet sat with her hair brush in hand and still had not uttered one word.

“It’s my fault Mom won’t forgive Dad and let him come back home,” Janet said, a catch in her throat.

“Whoa! What? That doesn’t make sense. How is it your fault?” Jasmine asked.

“First, I gotta tell you, I talked to Dawn. She was at the Picadillo.”

“I didn’t see you talking to her. I didn’t see her at all.”

“It was in the restroom,” Janet said, pulling the brush through her hair.

“So, that’s why you took so long! I thought you were…anyway. What did she say? She couldn’t possibly blame you for…”

“No. She just told me some stuff. Maybe you already know it. Maybe Mom talks more about it to you?”

“About Dad and what happened? Hardly anything. I stopped asking long ago. She doesn’t want us knowing. Mom will be pissed if she knows Dawn told you things she doesn’t want us to know, so you better not say!”

“So, you don’t want to know?” Janet said in surprise.

“Well, of course! You have to tell me! You just better not let Mom know that we know.”

 “I ain’t stupid.” Janet then proceeded to tell her sister everything Dawn told her.

Jasmine listened attentively, her expressive face showing the range of emotions this recital induced. She occasionally let out a gasp or said, “The bitch!” when Karen was mentioned and, “How can Dad be so dumb?” and then, “I thought as much.”

“So, Dawn’s convinced they would already be together again if Mom didn’t know it was this Karen bitch,” Janet said.

“But, Janet, none of this means it’s your fault,” Jasmine said.

“I didn’t tell you this next part. I heard mom talking on the phone just a few days ago. I thought she was talking with Dawn, but now I’m thinking it might have been Dad.”

“What did she say?” Jasmine asked, her eyes as wide as they would go.

“I couldn’t hear everything cuz I was in my room with the window opened and she was in the back yard walking around, but she said something like she didn’t want to do anything that would hurt us kids more. She said, “You know how Janet feels and I don’t want to put any of us through that. That’s no way to live. Until we can all forgive and forget, we can’t be a family again.” See, Jazzy? It’s all my fault!”

Jasmine watched her sister burst into tears. “No! No, that’s not it at all!” she said putting her arm around Janet. 

“It is! If I wasn’t so nasty to Dad all this time, he might already be here living with us, like he should be,” Janet said between sobs.

“And you really would be okay with that?” Jasmine tentatively asked. “I mean, he still had sex with someone other than Mom. That doesn’t change.”

“But that was when I thought...Jazzy, Karen told Mom that it wasn’t a one-time thing. She said they were having a year-long affair,” Janet said, roughly brushing at her tear soaked face with her sleeve.

Jasmine scoffed. “And you believe that?”

“I don’t want to, but… maybe that’s just wishful thinking,” she said.

“You heard Dawn yourself. He had to be drunk to do it and Dad doesn’t drink, like ever!” Jasmine nearly shouted. “You’ve seen him at parties. He carries around the one and only bottle of beer he'll have the whole time, taking a sip here and there and usually never finishes that one. He loves Mom, too. You know that. He didn’t mean to hurt her. He’s told me that himself.”

Janet nodded and started crying again. “I’ve been so mean to him. I’ve said such nasty things to him, that he had tons of girls, and none of that was true. Think he’ll ever forgive me?”

“Are you kidding?” Jasmine said, incredulous. “He was totally thrilled that you talked to him tonight. He looked like he was gonna faint when you smiled and said good night to him. He would never think he needs to forgive you, cuz he wants you to forgive him.”

“You really think so?” Janet asked with hope shining in her watery eyes.

Jasmine nodded.

“So, you think if… so how can I……I don’t know how to…”

“Janet, next time you see Dad, just give him a hug and he’ll know you’re sorry and that all is forgiven. That’s all he wants from you.”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you this. Dawn said Dad woke up at Karen’s house and he couldn’t remember anything.”

Jasmine looked skeptical, but said nothing.

“He woke up…” Janet stopped and frowned. “Jazzy, wouldn’t it be weird to get out of bed with someone you just had sex with and go to sleep on the couch?”

“Uh…not if that person snores I guess. Why you ask?”

“Dawn told me Dad woke up on Karen’s couch. Isn’t that strange? Dad likes to snuggle. I’ve heard Mom talking about how much they love snuggling together.”

“Yeah, but that’s with Mom, someone he loves. That bitch was just…just sex. He doesn’t love her. You gotta love the person you’re snuggled up with. I think that’s a dating rule! That's how you can tell for sure your guy loves you.”

Janet frowned even more. “So, it would make sense that he would go off after sex to sleep? But guys fall asleep almost instantly after sex."

"And you know this how?" Jasmine asked, her eyebrows shooting up. 

"I read, Jazzy," Janet snapped. "But if he was drunk what are the chances of him getting out of bed to sleep on the sofa?”

“What are you getting at?”

“I’m wondering if maybe…maybe he didn’t really have sex with her at all. He was so drunk and…well, can men have sex if they’re so drunk? According to health class alcohol can make a guy impotent.”

“Janet, I think you’re grasping at straws. Dad would know what went on and even he says he did it.”

“But he doesn’t remember and maybe that’s cuz it never happened. He just assumes it did. He might have passed out on the sofa and nothing happened.”

“Janet…”

“Jazzy, you have to ask him.”

“I will not!” Jasmine adamantly said. “That is none of our business. Mom didn’t want us knowing any of this, so say nothing to either of them, if you want Mom to ever forgive Dad. He’s the one that has to work on Mom’s forgiveness.”

“But it’s my fault and if I could do something…”

“How many times do I have to say it? It's not your fault! Janet, I would like to believe that’s all there is to it, but I think Mom’s just using your attitude against Dad as reason to keep him away. She needs time to forget this, and really how do you forget it when it's constantly in your face? You can’t! She’ll have to forgive, but that takes time. It’s a lot to forgive, you know. Dad cheated on her and with her…what did Dawn call her? Mom’s nemesis?” Jasmine shook her head and continued, “I hate to break it to you, but there is still a great possibility they could divorce over this. Many couples do, but it has nothing to do with us kids. We’re just casualties of war. There’s nothing we can do about it. This theory of yours is just too bizarre. You really ought to forget about it.”

Janet was not convinced of that.

After Jasmine gave a great big yawn and went off to her own room, Janet lay staring into the darkness not remotely sleepy. Thoughts swirled in her head, crashing into each other and bouncing off again.

“That woman, Karen...” Janet whispered in the dark. “Dawn said she was desperate to break up Mom and Dad. She'd been trying since they were at school together and she was known to lie in order to do it. She was the one that told Mom they had been having an affair. Karen lied about the year-long affair, that’s a fact, but what if she lied about all of it? I’ll bet anything she did. I’m almost sure of it.” 

She punched her pillow imagining it was the faceless Karen and flipped it over.

“Dawn said Dad only ever loved Mom and Mom only ever loved Dad and that they still love each other despite all this. True love she called it. Well...I’m the Yenta, dang it! True love is my business. If I can hook up hapless teenage guys and clueless girls, I should be the one to get two totally in love people back together. But how?” 

How indeed.