“You...want to...go shopping?” her mother asked disbelievingly. She was twisting her body in what Janet thought were ridiculous yoga poses. “I thought... you always... let Jasmine ...do... the shopping... for you.”
“This isn’t for clothes. Mom, do you really think it wise to twist your body like that at your age? I mean... that looks painful,” Janet said, her expression wary.
“It’s not... especially at my age...it's good cuz...it increases... sexual sensitivity, ” she informed her daughter with a sly smile. She came out of cosmic dancer pose to get into spinal twist.
Janet’s face showed her disgust. “Too much information, Mom. Can I have the car?”
Her mother laughed. “One day, little girl, you’ll be smitten and you’ll come running to me for my yoga book.”
“Fat chance,” Janet mumbled under her breath as she took the car keys and headed outside. While Jasmine was and always had been obsessed with boys, Janet wasn’t in the slightest interested. She rather thought them an inferior form of humanity, rather a bit like a mutation gone bad. She had yet to meet one male that didn’t make her question God for creating them first.
“Well,” her mother had said one day in philosophical tones, “that was His first attempt. God must have needed practice to create the perfection we girls are.”
Janet didn’t much buy that one either. After all, “we girls” also included such dimwits as Jessica Simpson, Lindsey Lohan and Brittany Spears. Janet wasn’t too thrilled to be lumped together with the likes of those.
She drove down to the local print shop with her mind set on what she wanted. She had something in mind for her business cards. She wanted them to read:
Janet, The Yenta
Matchmaker Supreme
There is only a fee if the match gives you glee
She giggled at her choice of words but she knew the cards needed something to spice them up. She busily flipped through several pages of the icons available and found perfection. There was a nice little silhouette of a couple facing each other and holding hands which reminded her of Adam and Eve so she put that in the corner along with her email address and cell number and just for effect she had little hearts scattered about. But that wasn’t quite enough. With a bold move she made it a lurid pink. She grimaced when she saw the final product or rather, what it looked like on the computer screen and knew that it was perfect. She figured anything that made her cringe would surely be eye-catching enough for those in need of her services. She was quite pleased and within a few days she was all set up to start her business.
It was a Monday morning on the second week of her junior year when she brought her lap top to school, the better to keep track of all the customers she was anticipating. She walked around in home room passing out cards to everybody and gave two to those who she knew were more likely to come to her for some help. These were the desperate, the lonely, the ones too shy to help themselves. These were to be her costumers. She merely sat back and waited for them to come to her.
“Is this a joke?” Becky Kilmer asked as she read the card over and over as if looking for the punchline to a joke.
“Absolutely not. I take the matching of kindred spirits very seriously,” Janet replied firmly. She hoped that she wouldn’t burst out laughing and ruin the effect. She truly thought this ridiculous that people couldn’t do their own matchmaking. But then she would be out of a job if they could, just as mechanics would be out of a job if everyone could fix their cars.
“Okay...how does this work?” Becky asked her eyes aglow with curiosity. Janet noticed that several others about the classroom were listening, some avidly, some with looks of amusement and others a bit surreptitiously. They probably didn’t want anyone knowing they needed such a service.
“Several different ways. You can come to me with a specific person in mind, like my sister, Jasmine. She had her heart set on Troy Wellington and I did my magic and...Poof! Happily-ever-after. Or for those who are looking for true compatibility I find you a perfect mate, set you up on a date with them, either alone or in a group setting, whichever is more comfortable for you then we see if sparks fly. All I ask is truth from you and a small fee of ten dollars up front which is completely refundable if I do not perform to expectations in a timely manner,” Janet stated in a crisp, business-like tone. “I also can provide help in securing a love mate on your own.”
“What does that mean?” Hank Randel asked looking bewildered.
“If you want to pursue your intended but have no clue how to do it or are fearful of embarrassment or rejection, I can be the go between to ensure you are not humiliated and that your intended does not object to your advances. This is most helpful and in truth what I recommend. But this is all up to the individual. I can also offer advise on how to make yourself more presentable for your intended but this would be an additional charge, I’m afraid. If you have further questions, do email me or call my cell and leave a message during school hours. Don’t want the teachers all annoyed, now do we?” Janet said brightly just as the teacher showed up and class started.
Her little audience went back to their seats with expressions of thoughtfulness obviously pondering what she said. They occasionally glanced at her card. Some stuffed it into their pockets, others pretended to use it as a bookmark and some laughed. But, Janet noticed with glee, they didn’t rip it up nor tossed it into the trash can. By the end of the day Janet had email flooding in. She was on her way.
“What exactly are you up to, Janet?” Mrs. Barley, her geometry teacher sternly asked several weeks later after her Yenta Business was in full throttle. Bill Swenson made the mistake of allowing their teacher to see him passing Janet a ten dollar bill and a note with specification for his dream girl.
Janet quickly stuffed the note and money into her pocket and smiled brightly. “Bill lost a bet we had and he’s finally paying up,” she swiftly lied.
“Oh, and what was this bet?” Mrs. Barley asked suspiciously.
“I said that the Celtics would win over the Packers and he disagreed,” she returned swiftly. Bill groaned and muttered something about detention for stupid liars.
“How dumb do you think I am? Even I know the Celtics is basketball and the Packers is football,” Mrs. Barley said, extremely annoyed. “What are you really up to?”
“Nothing illegal. I didn’t say they were playing against each other, just that the Celtics would win and the Packers wouldn’t,” Janet retorted innocently. Bill burst out laughing until Janet glared at him. He instantly straightened his face and tried to look innocent, too. He failed miserably.
“Do not let me see you dealing in drug money ever again,” Mrs. Barley warned sternly.
“Drug money? Me?” Janet shrieked indignantly. “I can assure you I do not deal in artificial drugs. I only deal with love.” She got up and handed her card to the teacher.
She read the card and her eyes popped open. Then she laughed. “Is this for real?” she asked incredulously.
“Yes, it is,” Janet replied, miffed.
“Yes, well, be that as it may, that is not permitted on school grounds either,” Mrs. Barley said stiffly. She handed over the card but Janet held up her hands.
“No, Mrs. Barley, you can keep that. I think love is one of the only things that should be permitted everywhere, even at school. Give the card to someone who might need some help finding love,” Janet told her in her most dignified voice before returning to her seat.
She suspected Mrs. Barley would be contacting her soon if only under an assumed name. Having been divorced for several years Janet thought she could use some guy to give her a thrill. Maybe then she wouldn’t be such a nasty-tempered witch.
Janet, after all, hooked up adults, too. She smiled as she recalled last spring when she got the office secretary and the vice-principle together. That had been her most rewarding match-up and she never got paid for it unless you count what she got a few days ago.
Janet had come in late one morning last year and was signing in when vice-principle McIntyre walked hurriedly in, dripping wet and looking disheveled.
“Kimberly, would you mind getting me some coffee when you get the chance? I really don’t like this single dad stuff. I need a new wife,” he muttered miserably before he slumped into his office where the phone was already ringing off the hook.
“Yes, Mr. McIntyre,” Kim Palmer said on a sad sigh. “Join the club. I need a new husband.”
Janet thought this was too, too perfect and yet marveled that they couldn’t see it for themselves. She shook her head in exasperation and went to work. She knocked on Mr. McIntyre’s door and entered before he could call her in. She sat down waiting patiently for him to get off the phone. After several minutes he hung up and barely noticed she was there as he still had his wet overcoat half on and a scarf dangling from his arm. He tried to put his briefcase onto his cluttered desktop without messing it even worse. All he managed to do was knock over the calendar.
“Janet, what can I do for you?” he said a bit distractedly. When he knocked several folders off his desk he groaned.
Janet stifled a giggle, stooped down and picked them up for him. “I think you need my help, Mr. McIntyre,” she said casually as she put the folders back on the desk. “You have been widowed nine months, I believe and you have two small children.”
“Yes, that’s right,” he answered warily. “How exactly can you help me? You’re at school when I need the kids watched.”
“You just said it out front. You need a new wife and I think I have a good person that could fit your needs. She has always wanted children yet was never able to have any. How do you feel about Mrs. Palmer?”
“Janet, she’s a married woman. What are you thinking?” he said sternly.
“No, she’s been divorced for two years. She’s kept it all very quiet because she feels so ashamed,” Janet said then changed to a whisper. “Her husband had been playing her for a fool for a long time. She’s rather reserved by today’s standard as you are and your ages mesh well. So, I propose you offer to take her out to lunch to thank her for all her help in your time of need. She did help you quite a bit when your wife died, didn’t she? At least at work while you grieved.”
He stared blankly at her and nodded. “Yes, she did. She was....so sweet to me,” he mumbled almost to himself.
Janet, realizing she was on the right track, smiled and added, “You can tell her that you know she’s not exclusively your secretary but that she certainly has helped you out very much and that you are very appreciative. You can become friendly, you know? That would be a good start and we can see how it goes from there. You have my number on file if you --” she paused when they heard a timid knock at the door and in came Mrs. Palmer with his coffee.
“Two sugars and a splash of milk, just like you like it. Let me take that coat and hang it up for you. Call me if you need anything else, Mr. McIntyre,” Kim said with a shy smile. She stepped out again leaving him staring after her, his mouth agape as if he had never seen her before.
“Yes, she’s rather pretty, isn’t she? And you already said she’s very sweet. I think you two would get along rather well. Let me know if I can help with anything. Goodbye, Mr. McIntyre,” Janet said with a smile. She left feeling rather good but not as good as a few weeks later when she saw them coming back from lunch, holding hands and apparently very happy.
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